Well the absence of my blog since last week says it all....life as usual is NUTS! I have basically been sick for the last 3 weeks, most recently with really bad bronchitis, and have had a toddler struggling with ear infections again. With each day that passed I kept thinking that I should write a blog, but just didn’t feel up to it. And this made me have yet again, a huge realization within myself.
I started this blog to share REAL every day life of a wife, mother and woman. It is my nature to want to be motivational in the process. When the fact of the matter is I was anything but motivational over the last week and had no desire to write about something uplifting. And in thinking that was the only way I should write this blog, I avoided it. I have physically felt terrible which does not help one's mindset no matter who you are. I was also faced with battles with health insurance companies for about the millionth time, found out about some frustrating unexpected new bills I had no clue how I was going to pay and yet again gained the 4lbs I have gained and lost about 10 times in the last several months. And then the every day tasks had to be taken care of such as tending to kids, doctors appointments, running a family business and managing our family unit. I found myself going into old habits of avoiding people, dealing with issues and not being overly happy. Oh how easy it is to allow ourselves to slip back into a “funk” as I call it.
Since the stalker, I don’t deal with stress very well at all. I either avoid things, which is so not my personality, or I allow even the stupid junk of every day life to totally and completely get the best of me. Instead of picking my head up and dusting myself off, I tend to lean towards sulking, dwelling and seclusion. For being a social butterfly, that doesn’t make much sense I know. I guess this just goes to show how one horrific moment in our life can impact us in ways we could never imagine or understand for that matter.
Now granted, I didn’t feel good…infact I have felt like complete garbage for several days. But the gist of what I’m getting at is that I found myself not only dwelling on that fact but so many other stupid things that were going wrong instead of what was going right. I also found myself coming up with every excuse in the world as to why I didn’t “have time” to write my blog each day, something I enjoy and find tremendously fulfilling. Yet again, I avoided taking care of me in a way that could make me a BETTER and stronger me! Especially as women, why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we not take care of the “ME” within us but yet always find time to tend to everything and everyone else? And then use that as the excuse, ultimately saying we aren’t as important as anyone or anything else? Honestly, if I may say it every so bluntly, that is just a bunch of crap! There is not one woman that I wouldn’t say that to because I can look at them and know how amazing and special they are for the mere reason that God created them. Yet, when it comes to me, I am equally guilty and it is no easy task to change.
I have always been told that if we can’t love and give to ourselves we will not be able to love and give to others 100%. I think that is very true. Because as much as I give and give, I know I could be a better friend sometimes, I could be a calmer Mom at times and I certainly could be a better wife to my husband most of the time. And it is usually in those moments, when I am not doing the best job I can possibly do for others, that I find I am not believing in me or being giving and loving enough to myself. Joseph Marmion said, “Joy is the echo of God’s life within us.” We can’t expect to share our light with others if we can’t even value the light that God put within each and every one of us. So ask yourself each day, “Do I value the light within me?” And then ask “If I’m not valuing that, what’s it gonna take so that I will?” And then make the choice to DO IT! You’re worth it.
Shine on!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Time to Weed Eat Your Life's Garden
A few months ago I was in a major “funk” in my life so to speak, one of the many I have faced through the years, especially the last few. I was struggling with losing the pastor at my church that I so loved more than I ever expected. I did not like his replacement, not to mention going to church these days is a real chore with a toddler who will NOT stay in the nursery. So I had made a decision to not attend church for a while. One Sunday morning as I was at home, having a bad day to say the least, I sat in disgust making a list in my mind of every way that my life just stunk! My husband and I had been in a horrible fight, my step-son was yet again pushing the teen boundaries with me, my daughter was having a “terrible two” kind of day, my family all lived far away, my husband and I weren’t making enough money and that was extremely stressful, I was fat, I wasn’t pretty enough, my skin was starting to look old, I was lonely and dissatisfied with my current relationships, I wasn’t really doing anything that was personally fulfilling for ‘just me” and oh yeah…. I was just in a REALLY BAD MOOD!
I turned on the TV to try and watch some mindless show to shut my brain off and there was Joel Osteen . He’s that minister guy who has a Sunday worship service on TV, lots of successful books and one of the biggest smiles you’ll ever see. And I must admit, when you aren’t in a good mood, his beaming smile that never goes away and his never ending “look at it on the bright side” attitude can be annoying. Anyway, as I went to change the channel because I was so not in the mood to be uplifted that morning, it was as though I was physically unable to do so. He was giving a sermon called "Bloom Where You're Planted". He started talking about birds and I was thinking, “okay, seriously….can my morning get anymore LAME?!” He talked about how we have a choice to be whatever kind of “bird” we want. We can be the “crow” that flies around or sits on a stoop and chatters on and on about nothing special, with that horrible sound telling the world about what we’re ticked off about. We can be a “chicken” that pecks around on the ground never really ever accomplishing anything or even flying anywhere. We can be the “turkey” that does get the job done as they come out of their tree each day, serve the purpose of eating, looking at its surroundings, but still ends up on the dinner table. Or we can be the “eagle,” not only getting its job done in life, but flying above all the earth as we look down in amazement of God’s creations; celebrating the beauties of life and sharing its beauty with others. It was at that moment that I realized I had been being the stupid “crow” for way too long! Sometimes I knew I was the “turkey,” because I did work hard and take care of my family, but usually my focus was on being a whiner of a “crow.” I so wanted to be the “eagle,” and I found myself asking “why aren’t you living the life of an ‘eagle?’”
Then Mr. Osteen went onto discuss the process of blooming which has become my life’s new theme. He said that the world we live in and our lives are surrounded by weeds. We have a choice to allow the weeds to overcome us or to be the beautiful, amazing flower that God made us to be and to BLOOM no matter how many weeds were around us. He talked about the fact that we have a choice to let gossip, bad attitudes, horrible jobs, stressful relationships, etc. get the best of us or we can CHOOSE to grow stronger, brighter and happier amongst them, leading by example and lighting up the world as we should. I realized at that moment that I didn’t want to be the weed.
My favorite flower in the whole world is a sunflower. So, as I planted my sunflower garden this year as I do every year, I made a promise to work every day to BLOOM. It is NOT EASY to continue to bloom within a world of weeds but its amazing what happens when we make that choice. Funny thing is…..not only do I feel better when I make a choice each morning to live as a sunflower…..I’ve also had the best sunflower garden I’ve ever had this year. Coincidence? I think not.
So what kind of bird are you? Are you blooming or are you creating more weeds around you each day? These are questions that I think are extremely important to ask ourselves on a regular basis. When you think about these answers don’t sugar coat it or think you are the exception to the rule and don't need to work on yourself because we all do. Be honest with yourself, because until you are honest you won’t be able to work to be the best YOU that YOU can be. Don’t make excuses for yourself like I have often done or life won’t ever get better and be more fulfilling.
It’s not easy. Life is simply not fair sometimes and extremely difficult. But I promise you, its way more difficult if you live it as the nagging crow or the annoying weed. No one can weed eat your life’s garden for you. You must make your own decision to grow and to bloom to be the spectacular flower you were created to be by God. The choice is yours.
Shine on!
I turned on the TV to try and watch some mindless show to shut my brain off and there was Joel Osteen . He’s that minister guy who has a Sunday worship service on TV, lots of successful books and one of the biggest smiles you’ll ever see. And I must admit, when you aren’t in a good mood, his beaming smile that never goes away and his never ending “look at it on the bright side” attitude can be annoying. Anyway, as I went to change the channel because I was so not in the mood to be uplifted that morning, it was as though I was physically unable to do so. He was giving a sermon called "Bloom Where You're Planted". He started talking about birds and I was thinking, “okay, seriously….can my morning get anymore LAME?!” He talked about how we have a choice to be whatever kind of “bird” we want. We can be the “crow” that flies around or sits on a stoop and chatters on and on about nothing special, with that horrible sound telling the world about what we’re ticked off about. We can be a “chicken” that pecks around on the ground never really ever accomplishing anything or even flying anywhere. We can be the “turkey” that does get the job done as they come out of their tree each day, serve the purpose of eating, looking at its surroundings, but still ends up on the dinner table. Or we can be the “eagle,” not only getting its job done in life, but flying above all the earth as we look down in amazement of God’s creations; celebrating the beauties of life and sharing its beauty with others. It was at that moment that I realized I had been being the stupid “crow” for way too long! Sometimes I knew I was the “turkey,” because I did work hard and take care of my family, but usually my focus was on being a whiner of a “crow.” I so wanted to be the “eagle,” and I found myself asking “why aren’t you living the life of an ‘eagle?’”
Then Mr. Osteen went onto discuss the process of blooming which has become my life’s new theme. He said that the world we live in and our lives are surrounded by weeds. We have a choice to allow the weeds to overcome us or to be the beautiful, amazing flower that God made us to be and to BLOOM no matter how many weeds were around us. He talked about the fact that we have a choice to let gossip, bad attitudes, horrible jobs, stressful relationships, etc. get the best of us or we can CHOOSE to grow stronger, brighter and happier amongst them, leading by example and lighting up the world as we should. I realized at that moment that I didn’t want to be the weed.
My favorite flower in the whole world is a sunflower. So, as I planted my sunflower garden this year as I do every year, I made a promise to work every day to BLOOM. It is NOT EASY to continue to bloom within a world of weeds but its amazing what happens when we make that choice. Funny thing is…..not only do I feel better when I make a choice each morning to live as a sunflower…..I’ve also had the best sunflower garden I’ve ever had this year. Coincidence? I think not.
So what kind of bird are you? Are you blooming or are you creating more weeds around you each day? These are questions that I think are extremely important to ask ourselves on a regular basis. When you think about these answers don’t sugar coat it or think you are the exception to the rule and don't need to work on yourself because we all do. Be honest with yourself, because until you are honest you won’t be able to work to be the best YOU that YOU can be. Don’t make excuses for yourself like I have often done or life won’t ever get better and be more fulfilling.
It’s not easy. Life is simply not fair sometimes and extremely difficult. But I promise you, its way more difficult if you live it as the nagging crow or the annoying weed. No one can weed eat your life’s garden for you. You must make your own decision to grow and to bloom to be the spectacular flower you were created to be by God. The choice is yours.
Shine on!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Whose Light of Mine?
My name is Amy Mae or as my daughter often now calls me, Mommy Mae. I was once a young single woman who really believed I could do ANYTHING and had a light within my spirit that could shine through even my darkest of moments….one in which I truly believed God blessed me with. I lived for adventure, adrenalin rushes, overcoming challenges and obstacles, trying new things and most of all….chasing my dreams. Dreams were what my life was made of for as long as I can remember. Dreams of being a famous country singer on a stage in front of thousands. Dreams of having a successful motivational speaking career helping and motivating as many as I possibly could. Dreams of enough money not to worry and to be able to give to all of my family. Dreams of being someone and going somewhere BIG! After years of being a new kid in town and struggling with low self esteem as a child and teenager, I felt that I had finally come into my own in my twenties and was on a path to all of those dreams coming true, not to mention for the first time in my life, I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. And then it all changed.
I am a survivor of stranger stalking; a situation that terribly affected and changed my entire life and who I was forever. As I rebuilt the pieces of me that were left after that 2 year ordeal I struggled tremendously with identifying with who this new person was within my body and mind. Although I had changed completely, the fighter and the lover of life within me got through it. I fell in love, got married, and became a step-mother to a teenage son and a mother to a toddler. I don’t perform anymore, my speaking is minimal, I gained more pounds than I can count, I avoid adventure or anything that gets my adrenalin going too much, I have a list of fears I’ve wanted to overcome that has been hiding on a shelf for over 5 years, I struggle to get by financially sometimes and as most wives and mothers out there, I do everything for everyone around me but me.
Two years ago one of my best friends, Erin Van Dyke, died of breast cancer. I promised her that I would live my life to the very fullest again for her and for me. I also made this promise to my sweet little girl when she was born, just after Erin’s passing. The most important thing in life to me is being the best mom I can be. What I lost track of was that in doing that, I first have to be the best ME that I can be. I’ve done a terrible job of keeping my promise to Erin and my daughter. When looking at myself in the mirror recently I realized that I honestly didn’t like who I’ve become. I couldn’t really see that “light” anymore within me, but a small part of me could still feel it within my spirit. I knew something had to change. I wanted more for myself but also for my family. As I struggled for the last several months to determine how to let that “light” out again, I decided on this blog and appropriately so decided to call it “This Little Light of Mine.” One of my favorite songs of all time and the song I sang often to Erin during my last week with her.
Now I realize to many of you out there, if you even find this blog, that maybe I’m nobody special. After all, I am just a mother, a wife, a small business owner and a gal who occasionally gets paid to speak to others but most commonly talks too much just because that’s who I am. I am chasing the American dream like most out there. I’ve had some major trials and tribulations and have lived through many highs and lows as most people have in their own lives. I do however; have an incredible love for life and the human spirit. I also have a true passion for encouraging and empowering others, especially women. I’m not a feminist, far from it. But I am a strong woman and one in which that wants to continue to grow to be stronger and to share that journey in hopes of motivating and encouraging others. I don’t believe God gives us life experiences just so we can shove them under a rock; never learning or sharing from those moments or things we call our lives.
So that’s what this blog is all about…..a mom, a wife, a girl who doesn’t love her body enough and one who faces the ups and downs of life as a woman in this world just trying to find her place, or at least the best way she can to get through each and every day in a positive way. I hope that in the process you will join me as I find again and share the journey to “This Little Light of Mine.”
I am a survivor of stranger stalking; a situation that terribly affected and changed my entire life and who I was forever. As I rebuilt the pieces of me that were left after that 2 year ordeal I struggled tremendously with identifying with who this new person was within my body and mind. Although I had changed completely, the fighter and the lover of life within me got through it. I fell in love, got married, and became a step-mother to a teenage son and a mother to a toddler. I don’t perform anymore, my speaking is minimal, I gained more pounds than I can count, I avoid adventure or anything that gets my adrenalin going too much, I have a list of fears I’ve wanted to overcome that has been hiding on a shelf for over 5 years, I struggle to get by financially sometimes and as most wives and mothers out there, I do everything for everyone around me but me.
Two years ago one of my best friends, Erin Van Dyke, died of breast cancer. I promised her that I would live my life to the very fullest again for her and for me. I also made this promise to my sweet little girl when she was born, just after Erin’s passing. The most important thing in life to me is being the best mom I can be. What I lost track of was that in doing that, I first have to be the best ME that I can be. I’ve done a terrible job of keeping my promise to Erin and my daughter. When looking at myself in the mirror recently I realized that I honestly didn’t like who I’ve become. I couldn’t really see that “light” anymore within me, but a small part of me could still feel it within my spirit. I knew something had to change. I wanted more for myself but also for my family. As I struggled for the last several months to determine how to let that “light” out again, I decided on this blog and appropriately so decided to call it “This Little Light of Mine.” One of my favorite songs of all time and the song I sang often to Erin during my last week with her.
Now I realize to many of you out there, if you even find this blog, that maybe I’m nobody special. After all, I am just a mother, a wife, a small business owner and a gal who occasionally gets paid to speak to others but most commonly talks too much just because that’s who I am. I am chasing the American dream like most out there. I’ve had some major trials and tribulations and have lived through many highs and lows as most people have in their own lives. I do however; have an incredible love for life and the human spirit. I also have a true passion for encouraging and empowering others, especially women. I’m not a feminist, far from it. But I am a strong woman and one in which that wants to continue to grow to be stronger and to share that journey in hopes of motivating and encouraging others. I don’t believe God gives us life experiences just so we can shove them under a rock; never learning or sharing from those moments or things we call our lives.
So that’s what this blog is all about…..a mom, a wife, a girl who doesn’t love her body enough and one who faces the ups and downs of life as a woman in this world just trying to find her place, or at least the best way she can to get through each and every day in a positive way. I hope that in the process you will join me as I find again and share the journey to “This Little Light of Mine.”
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