Makin' My List and Checkin' It Twice!

HOLY MOLY! I DID IT!

About 4 years ago I decided to make a list of things I was afraid of and/or needed to overcome. As I've mentioned the experience I had with my stalker completely changed who I was and the person I would grow to be. Prior to that experience in my life I used to live for anything that got my adrenalin going and since I experienced all I did with that situation, I decided I had lived through enough adrenalin rushes for a lifetime so I began to avoid anything and EVERYTHING that made me feel that "rush." I used to love scary movies (Halloween was one of my favorite holidays), amusement parks and all the scary rides were awesome and I didn't think twice about going anywhere or doing anything alone. Anything that challenged me, no matter if in my career, personal goals, etc. was what I lived for in life.

In the last several years I began to live my life "safe." By "safe" I not only mean I have become an expert in personal safety, but I also find myself avoiding anything with adventure or risk at all costs. I knew deep inside I wanted to overcome this and get back to the old me the best I could and that is when the "Fear List" was created.

#4 on that list was to ride a roller coaster. Seems simple enough to the average person, but to me I remembered how I used to feel when rushing down those big hills and for that brief moment how out of control one really is. I don't like to be out of control when it comes to my safety AT ALL! That feeling is what has caused an immense amount of panic and anxiety attacks where I literally feel like I will die at any moment.

So when my family went to Holiday World recently in Santa Claus, IN, I knew the first thing we had to do was get on a darn coaster and get #4 on my list over with! My husband and step-son were extremely supportive although I know it is very hard for them sometimes to understand why I react the way I do to basic life things. Out of breathe from anxiety and eyes closed, we took off and yes, I LITERALLY thought I was going to die! I ended the ride pinching my arms to make sure I was still alive, about passed out and then I hid behind my sunglasses while I cried my eyes out as we walked to the next one. I will never be able to describe what that level of fear does to my mind and body. But none the less I DID IT and #4 was checked off the list! We went onto ride 2 more coasters and several very scary rides and I even enjoyed myself again. It was AWESOME!

Now I've got some momentum. I've since checked #1 off my list and conquered walking/running on a trail in a nearby park that I was petrified of doing by myself and I can't wait to do it again because it really was beautiful. I'm working on #20 right now as I prepare for RUNNING in a race which I've chosen to do a 5k in Nashville's Race for the Cure.

To many, these things seem small and insignificant but to me they seem like a mountain to climb and a huge life obstacle to overcome so I can get some of the "old Amy Mae" back that was robbed and enjoy even more of the small stuff in life. So what's on your list? I'd love you to share and let us know when you can check it off your list so we can cheer for such an awesome accomplishment. And remember, no matter how small or big it may seem to others, life is about how you are letting your light shine and not about what anyone else thinks!

Shine On!

Show Me the MONEY!

One of the main reasons that I started this blog was due to the inspiration that my friend Erin Elise Van Dyke gave me to kick myself in the pants and take my life back! As I've said in previous blogs, I had let the pressures of life get the best of me and sometimes I still do, i.e. the delay in between blogs. Not to mention, since the stalker I must admit, how I handle things is anything but the norm for who I know "Amy Mae" to be.

It wasn't even the event of Erin's death a couple of years ago after a 3 year battle with breast cancer that created this awareness within me. After all she shared with me that would've been ignorant of me to only learn that in the final moment. But rather it was all of the many lessons she taught me along the way as she was what I call a "Breast Cancer WARRIOR!" She taught me to love more, fight less, look in the mirror and find what I love about myself instead of what I hate, to say I am sorry and I forgive when it is needed, to cherish every single second of motherhood, to love my own Mama more than I ever thought possible, to embrace the gift of friendship more than I ever had and to LIVE. She taught me what true passion was again and to live for the very most important things in life, which really came down to be the simple stuff. I have not done a good job of this and I will spend the rest of my life trying to honor my sweet friend and all of the amazing things she taught me.

And boy oh boy was she strong. The funny thing is, Erin was stubborn to the max but I always gave her crap that I was stronger and quite frankly thought I could always do much more "labor" than she could. What an idiot she proved me to be. FIGHT does not even describe what Erin gave in the first moment of her diagnosis to the last breath that she took. She EARNED the title of WARRIOR! She was stronger and more amazing in her fight than I could ever dream of being.

My Aunt Mary had breast cancer and ended up losing her life to leukemia caused by treatments from breast cancer years ago. But it wasn't until I walked the path with my dear friend that I truly understood all of the darkness that such a dreadful disease like breast cancer creates for so many. For this reason I am striving this year to raise more than I ever have in Race for the Cure. I will be taking part in this race in Nashville on October 9th, 2010 and I am asking you to pledge in honor and memory of Erin or anyone that you know that has been a breast cancer WARRIOR. We WILL find a cure. WE HAVE TO FIND A CURE! For Erin's daughter and for mine along with every other person out there.

So please visit my pledge site, make a donation and celebrate our breast cancer WARRIORS! $1 counts just as much as $100 and every single penny makes a difference. Click on this site to make a donation,

Living Life in a Clean House

I basically grew up in what many would consider a “glass house.” From the age of 3 thru 13 my family was always in the process of selling the house we lived in and because of that our house was always in “show ready” condition. My father built and sold houses for a living. Building our beautiful homes and then selling them for a greater profit was one way he paid the bills. So all of us, my two siblings and my mom and I got used to living as clean freaks and eventually even though it was not a necessity for us to be that way, it was the only way we knew how to live.

When I got married and bought my own home with my husband Jeff and moved in with him and my step-son Weston who was 13 at the time, there were adjustments to be made to say the least. Weston and Jeff had been living as bachelors for over 4 years and neither of them were used to living as I had always lived in a home nor was I used to their casual, laid back ways either. To say it was a challenge for us all to get used to the other’s style is putting it mildly.

Moving forward about 4 ½ years, after much work on all of our parts we have found our own way of living and “normal.” Jeff got a lot better at helping me with the dishes, Weston flushes the toilet and learned how to clean a shower with a tooth brush and Mr. Clean eraser and I learned to calm down tremendously. However, sometimes, I now find myself not wanting to clean at all or caring. It is in those times that I find myself also feeling that way about my overall life.

I have noticed that the condition my house is in represents where I am at personally and as I took a look around at my friends and family, I have noticed the same to be true for them as well. When I’m feeling down or overwhelmed with life, my house can go weeks without a good cleaning and when it’s really bad, the dishes may not get put in the dish washer for over 24hrs. Not a big deal to some, but to the girl who normally can’t relax if there is even a dirty fork on the counter, that’s pretty major. My yard doesn’t get taken care of and I have even let some flowers die before because I just don’t care.

Part of why my parents always pushed us to be clean freaks was indeed because we had to based on our lifestyle. But a good portion of them doing this was to teach us to take pride in our home and our property. They always said it was also a reflection in having pride for yourself and how hard you worked to get that property, no matter how big or small it might be. As I get older, I am thankful to Weston for teaching me to calm down a bit and let a kid be a kid. But I am also very thankful that I still stand firm in taking pride in my home. And when life gets overwhelming or I’m down in the dumps my dirty home is a reminder that I need to snap out of it and not only clean up my home but also to clean up my mind and spirit a bit too.

I cleaned my house this weekend because I wanted to start off Monday on a good note, not having the thought of “needing to clean my house” nagging in my mind. I want to have a fresh mind and spirit and enter a week feeling respectful of myself and ready to conquer whatever the world throws at me. Amazingly, I woke up this morning feeling exactly that way, fresh and ready to go with a "can do anything" attitude. I think we all need to just suck it up and "clean house" sometimes in more ways than one so we can start anew. Its amazing how the world opens up to us when we do.

Shine on!