Makin' My List and Checkin' It Twice!

HOLY MOLY! I DID IT!

About 4 years ago I decided to make a list of things I was afraid of and/or needed to overcome. As I've mentioned the experience I had with my stalker completely changed who I was and the person I would grow to be. Prior to that experience in my life I used to live for anything that got my adrenalin going and since I experienced all I did with that situation, I decided I had lived through enough adrenalin rushes for a lifetime so I began to avoid anything and EVERYTHING that made me feel that "rush." I used to love scary movies (Halloween was one of my favorite holidays), amusement parks and all the scary rides were awesome and I didn't think twice about going anywhere or doing anything alone. Anything that challenged me, no matter if in my career, personal goals, etc. was what I lived for in life.

In the last several years I began to live my life "safe." By "safe" I not only mean I have become an expert in personal safety, but I also find myself avoiding anything with adventure or risk at all costs. I knew deep inside I wanted to overcome this and get back to the old me the best I could and that is when the "Fear List" was created.

#4 on that list was to ride a roller coaster. Seems simple enough to the average person, but to me I remembered how I used to feel when rushing down those big hills and for that brief moment how out of control one really is. I don't like to be out of control when it comes to my safety AT ALL! That feeling is what has caused an immense amount of panic and anxiety attacks where I literally feel like I will die at any moment.

So when my family went to Holiday World recently in Santa Claus, IN, I knew the first thing we had to do was get on a darn coaster and get #4 on my list over with! My husband and step-son were extremely supportive although I know it is very hard for them sometimes to understand why I react the way I do to basic life things. Out of breathe from anxiety and eyes closed, we took off and yes, I LITERALLY thought I was going to die! I ended the ride pinching my arms to make sure I was still alive, about passed out and then I hid behind my sunglasses while I cried my eyes out as we walked to the next one. I will never be able to describe what that level of fear does to my mind and body. But none the less I DID IT and #4 was checked off the list! We went onto ride 2 more coasters and several very scary rides and I even enjoyed myself again. It was AWESOME!

Now I've got some momentum. I've since checked #1 off my list and conquered walking/running on a trail in a nearby park that I was petrified of doing by myself and I can't wait to do it again because it really was beautiful. I'm working on #20 right now as I prepare for RUNNING in a race which I've chosen to do a 5k in Nashville's Race for the Cure.

To many, these things seem small and insignificant but to me they seem like a mountain to climb and a huge life obstacle to overcome so I can get some of the "old Amy Mae" back that was robbed and enjoy even more of the small stuff in life. So what's on your list? I'd love you to share and let us know when you can check it off your list so we can cheer for such an awesome accomplishment. And remember, no matter how small or big it may seem to others, life is about how you are letting your light shine and not about what anyone else thinks!

Shine On!

Show Me the MONEY!

One of the main reasons that I started this blog was due to the inspiration that my friend Erin Elise Van Dyke gave me to kick myself in the pants and take my life back! As I've said in previous blogs, I had let the pressures of life get the best of me and sometimes I still do, i.e. the delay in between blogs. Not to mention, since the stalker I must admit, how I handle things is anything but the norm for who I know "Amy Mae" to be.

It wasn't even the event of Erin's death a couple of years ago after a 3 year battle with breast cancer that created this awareness within me. After all she shared with me that would've been ignorant of me to only learn that in the final moment. But rather it was all of the many lessons she taught me along the way as she was what I call a "Breast Cancer WARRIOR!" She taught me to love more, fight less, look in the mirror and find what I love about myself instead of what I hate, to say I am sorry and I forgive when it is needed, to cherish every single second of motherhood, to love my own Mama more than I ever thought possible, to embrace the gift of friendship more than I ever had and to LIVE. She taught me what true passion was again and to live for the very most important things in life, which really came down to be the simple stuff. I have not done a good job of this and I will spend the rest of my life trying to honor my sweet friend and all of the amazing things she taught me.

And boy oh boy was she strong. The funny thing is, Erin was stubborn to the max but I always gave her crap that I was stronger and quite frankly thought I could always do much more "labor" than she could. What an idiot she proved me to be. FIGHT does not even describe what Erin gave in the first moment of her diagnosis to the last breath that she took. She EARNED the title of WARRIOR! She was stronger and more amazing in her fight than I could ever dream of being.

My Aunt Mary had breast cancer and ended up losing her life to leukemia caused by treatments from breast cancer years ago. But it wasn't until I walked the path with my dear friend that I truly understood all of the darkness that such a dreadful disease like breast cancer creates for so many. For this reason I am striving this year to raise more than I ever have in Race for the Cure. I will be taking part in this race in Nashville on October 9th, 2010 and I am asking you to pledge in honor and memory of Erin or anyone that you know that has been a breast cancer WARRIOR. We WILL find a cure. WE HAVE TO FIND A CURE! For Erin's daughter and for mine along with every other person out there.

So please visit my pledge site, make a donation and celebrate our breast cancer WARRIORS! $1 counts just as much as $100 and every single penny makes a difference. Click on this site to make a donation,

Living Life in a Clean House

I basically grew up in what many would consider a “glass house.” From the age of 3 thru 13 my family was always in the process of selling the house we lived in and because of that our house was always in “show ready” condition. My father built and sold houses for a living. Building our beautiful homes and then selling them for a greater profit was one way he paid the bills. So all of us, my two siblings and my mom and I got used to living as clean freaks and eventually even though it was not a necessity for us to be that way, it was the only way we knew how to live.

When I got married and bought my own home with my husband Jeff and moved in with him and my step-son Weston who was 13 at the time, there were adjustments to be made to say the least. Weston and Jeff had been living as bachelors for over 4 years and neither of them were used to living as I had always lived in a home nor was I used to their casual, laid back ways either. To say it was a challenge for us all to get used to the other’s style is putting it mildly.

Moving forward about 4 ½ years, after much work on all of our parts we have found our own way of living and “normal.” Jeff got a lot better at helping me with the dishes, Weston flushes the toilet and learned how to clean a shower with a tooth brush and Mr. Clean eraser and I learned to calm down tremendously. However, sometimes, I now find myself not wanting to clean at all or caring. It is in those times that I find myself also feeling that way about my overall life.

I have noticed that the condition my house is in represents where I am at personally and as I took a look around at my friends and family, I have noticed the same to be true for them as well. When I’m feeling down or overwhelmed with life, my house can go weeks without a good cleaning and when it’s really bad, the dishes may not get put in the dish washer for over 24hrs. Not a big deal to some, but to the girl who normally can’t relax if there is even a dirty fork on the counter, that’s pretty major. My yard doesn’t get taken care of and I have even let some flowers die before because I just don’t care.

Part of why my parents always pushed us to be clean freaks was indeed because we had to based on our lifestyle. But a good portion of them doing this was to teach us to take pride in our home and our property. They always said it was also a reflection in having pride for yourself and how hard you worked to get that property, no matter how big or small it might be. As I get older, I am thankful to Weston for teaching me to calm down a bit and let a kid be a kid. But I am also very thankful that I still stand firm in taking pride in my home. And when life gets overwhelming or I’m down in the dumps my dirty home is a reminder that I need to snap out of it and not only clean up my home but also to clean up my mind and spirit a bit too.

I cleaned my house this weekend because I wanted to start off Monday on a good note, not having the thought of “needing to clean my house” nagging in my mind. I want to have a fresh mind and spirit and enter a week feeling respectful of myself and ready to conquer whatever the world throws at me. Amazingly, I woke up this morning feeling exactly that way, fresh and ready to go with a "can do anything" attitude. I think we all need to just suck it up and "clean house" sometimes in more ways than one so we can start anew. Its amazing how the world opens up to us when we do.

Shine on!

Do You Value Your Light?

Well the absence of my blog since last week says it all....life as usual is NUTS! I have basically been sick for the last 3 weeks, most recently with really bad bronchitis, and have had a toddler struggling with ear infections again. With each day that passed I kept thinking that I should write a blog, but just didn’t feel up to it. And this made me have yet again, a huge realization within myself.

I started this blog to share REAL every day life of a wife, mother and woman. It is my nature to want to be motivational in the process. When the fact of the matter is I was anything but motivational over the last week and had no desire to write about something uplifting. And in thinking that was the only way I should write this blog, I avoided it. I have physically felt terrible which does not help one's mindset no matter who you are. I was also faced with battles with health insurance companies for about the millionth time, found out about some frustrating unexpected new bills I had no clue how I was going to pay and yet again gained the 4lbs I have gained and lost about 10 times in the last several months. And then the every day tasks had to be taken care of such as tending to kids, doctors appointments, running a family business and managing our family unit. I found myself going into old habits of avoiding people, dealing with issues and not being overly happy. Oh how easy it is to allow ourselves to slip back into a “funk” as I call it.

Since the stalker, I don’t deal with stress very well at all. I either avoid things, which is so not my personality, or I allow even the stupid junk of every day life to totally and completely get the best of me. Instead of picking my head up and dusting myself off, I tend to lean towards sulking, dwelling and seclusion. For being a social butterfly, that doesn’t make much sense I know. I guess this just goes to show how one horrific moment in our life can impact us in ways we could never imagine or understand for that matter.

Now granted, I didn’t feel good…infact I have felt like complete garbage for several days. But the gist of what I’m getting at is that I found myself not only dwelling on that fact but so many other stupid things that were going wrong instead of what was going right. I also found myself coming up with every excuse in the world as to why I didn’t “have time” to write my blog each day, something I enjoy and find tremendously fulfilling. Yet again, I avoided taking care of me in a way that could make me a BETTER and stronger me! Especially as women, why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we not take care of the “ME” within us but yet always find time to tend to everything and everyone else? And then use that as the excuse, ultimately saying we aren’t as important as anyone or anything else? Honestly, if I may say it every so bluntly, that is just a bunch of crap! There is not one woman that I wouldn’t say that to because I can look at them and know how amazing and special they are for the mere reason that God created them. Yet, when it comes to me, I am equally guilty and it is no easy task to change.

I have always been told that if we can’t love and give to ourselves we will not be able to love and give to others 100%. I think that is very true. Because as much as I give and give, I know I could be a better friend sometimes, I could be a calmer Mom at times and I certainly could be a better wife to my husband most of the time. And it is usually in those moments, when I am not doing the best job I can possibly do for others, that I find I am not believing in me or being giving and loving enough to myself. Joseph Marmion said, “Joy is the echo of God’s life within us.” We can’t expect to share our light with others if we can’t even value the light that God put within each and every one of us. So ask yourself each day, “Do I value the light within me?” And then ask “If I’m not valuing that, what’s it gonna take so that I will?” And then make the choice to DO IT! You’re worth it.

Shine on!

Time to Weed Eat Your Life's Garden

A few months ago I was in a major “funk” in my life so to speak, one of the many I have faced through the years, especially the last few. I was struggling with losing the pastor at my church that I so loved more than I ever expected. I did not like his replacement, not to mention going to church these days is a real chore with a toddler who will NOT stay in the nursery. So I had made a decision to not attend church for a while. One Sunday morning as I was at home, having a bad day to say the least, I sat in disgust making a list in my mind of every way that my life just stunk! My husband and I had been in a horrible fight, my step-son was yet again pushing the teen boundaries with me, my daughter was having a “terrible two” kind of day, my family all lived far away, my husband and I weren’t making enough money and that was extremely stressful, I was fat, I wasn’t pretty enough, my skin was starting to look old, I was lonely and dissatisfied with my current relationships, I wasn’t really doing anything that was personally fulfilling for ‘just me” and oh yeah…. I was just in a REALLY BAD MOOD!

I turned on the TV to try and watch some mindless show to shut my brain off and there was Joel Osteen . He’s that minister guy who has a Sunday worship service on TV, lots of successful books and one of the biggest smiles you’ll ever see. And I must admit, when you aren’t in a good mood, his beaming smile that never goes away and his never ending “look at it on the bright side” attitude can be annoying. Anyway, as I went to change the channel because I was so not in the mood to be uplifted that morning, it was as though I was physically unable to do so. He was giving a sermon called "Bloom Where You're Planted". He started talking about birds and I was thinking, “okay, seriously….can my morning get anymore LAME?!” He talked about how we have a choice to be whatever kind of “bird” we want. We can be the “crow” that flies around or sits on a stoop and chatters on and on about nothing special, with that horrible sound telling the world about what we’re ticked off about. We can be a “chicken” that pecks around on the ground never really ever accomplishing anything or even flying anywhere. We can be the “turkey” that does get the job done as they come out of their tree each day, serve the purpose of eating, looking at its surroundings, but still ends up on the dinner table. Or we can be the “eagle,” not only getting its job done in life, but flying above all the earth as we look down in amazement of God’s creations; celebrating the beauties of life and sharing its beauty with others. It was at that moment that I realized I had been being the stupid “crow” for way too long! Sometimes I knew I was the “turkey,” because I did work hard and take care of my family, but usually my focus was on being a whiner of a “crow.” I so wanted to be the “eagle,” and I found myself asking “why aren’t you living the life of an ‘eagle?’”

Then Mr. Osteen went onto discuss the process of blooming which has become my life’s new theme. He said that the world we live in and our lives are surrounded by weeds. We have a choice to allow the weeds to overcome us or to be the beautiful, amazing flower that God made us to be and to BLOOM no matter how many weeds were around us. He talked about the fact that we have a choice to let gossip, bad attitudes, horrible jobs, stressful relationships, etc. get the best of us or we can CHOOSE to grow stronger, brighter and happier amongst them, leading by example and lighting up the world as we should. I realized at that moment that I didn’t want to be the weed.

My favorite flower in the whole world is a sunflower. So, as I planted my sunflower garden this year as I do every year, I made a promise to work every day to BLOOM. It is NOT EASY to continue to bloom within a world of weeds but its amazing what happens when we make that choice. Funny thing is…..not only do I feel better when I make a choice each morning to live as a sunflower…..I’ve also had the best sunflower garden I’ve ever had this year. Coincidence? I think not.

So what kind of bird are you? Are you blooming or are you creating more weeds around you each day? These are questions that I think are extremely important to ask ourselves on a regular basis. When you think about these answers don’t sugar coat it or think you are the exception to the rule and don't need to work on yourself because we all do. Be honest with yourself, because until you are honest you won’t be able to work to be the best YOU that YOU can be. Don’t make excuses for yourself like I have often done or life won’t ever get better and be more fulfilling.

It’s not easy. Life is simply not fair sometimes and extremely difficult. But I promise you, its way more difficult if you live it as the nagging crow or the annoying weed. No one can weed eat your life’s garden for you. You must make your own decision to grow and to bloom to be the spectacular flower you were created to be by God. The choice is yours.

Shine on!

Whose Light of Mine?

My name is Amy Mae or as my daughter often now calls me, Mommy Mae. I was once a young single woman who really believed I could do ANYTHING and had a light within my spirit that could shine through even my darkest of moments….one in which I truly believed God blessed me with. I lived for adventure, adrenalin rushes, overcoming challenges and obstacles, trying new things and most of all….chasing my dreams. Dreams were what my life was made of for as long as I can remember. Dreams of being a famous country singer on a stage in front of thousands. Dreams of having a successful motivational speaking career helping and motivating as many as I possibly could. Dreams of enough money not to worry and to be able to give to all of my family. Dreams of being someone and going somewhere BIG! After years of being a new kid in town and struggling with low self esteem as a child and teenager, I felt that I had finally come into my own in my twenties and was on a path to all of those dreams coming true, not to mention for the first time in my life, I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. And then it all changed.

I am a survivor of stranger stalking; a situation that terribly affected and changed my entire life and who I was forever. As I rebuilt the pieces of me that were left after that 2 year ordeal I struggled tremendously with identifying with who this new person was within my body and mind. Although I had changed completely, the fighter and the lover of life within me got through it. I fell in love, got married, and became a step-mother to a teenage son and a mother to a toddler. I don’t perform anymore, my speaking is minimal, I gained more pounds than I can count, I avoid adventure or anything that gets my adrenalin going too much, I have a list of fears I’ve wanted to overcome that has been hiding on a shelf for over 5 years, I struggle to get by financially sometimes and as most wives and mothers out there, I do everything for everyone around me but me.

Two years ago one of my best friends, Erin Van Dyke, died of breast cancer. I promised her that I would live my life to the very fullest again for her and for me. I also made this promise to my sweet little girl when she was born, just after Erin’s passing. The most important thing in life to me is being the best mom I can be. What I lost track of was that in doing that, I first have to be the best ME that I can be. I’ve done a terrible job of keeping my promise to Erin and my daughter. When looking at myself in the mirror recently I realized that I honestly didn’t like who I’ve become. I couldn’t really see that “light” anymore within me, but a small part of me could still feel it within my spirit. I knew something had to change. I wanted more for myself but also for my family. As I struggled for the last several months to determine how to let that “light” out again, I decided on this blog and appropriately so decided to call it “This Little Light of Mine.” One of my favorite songs of all time and the song I sang often to Erin during my last week with her.

Now I realize to many of you out there, if you even find this blog, that maybe I’m nobody special. After all, I am just a mother, a wife, a small business owner and a gal who occasionally gets paid to speak to others but most commonly talks too much just because that’s who I am. I am chasing the American dream like most out there. I’ve had some major trials and tribulations and have lived through many highs and lows as most people have in their own lives. I do however; have an incredible love for life and the human spirit. I also have a true passion for encouraging and empowering others, especially women. I’m not a feminist, far from it. But I am a strong woman and one in which that wants to continue to grow to be stronger and to share that journey in hopes of motivating and encouraging others. I don’t believe God gives us life experiences just so we can shove them under a rock; never learning or sharing from those moments or things we call our lives.

So that’s what this blog is all about…..a mom, a wife, a girl who doesn’t love her body enough and one who faces the ups and downs of life as a woman in this world just trying to find her place, or at least the best way she can to get through each and every day in a positive way. I hope that in the process you will join me as I find again and share the journey to “This Little Light of Mine.”